Originally published on (drum roll please) The Huffington Post on April 6, 2015
Eventually, we fall out of love with someone, whether they are the ones who shattered our hearts or whether the blame stains our hands. Eventually, the pain trickles away and the days don’t begin with longing. Eventually, we find ourselves again.
But — and yes there is a “but” — we never fall out of love with love.
We find pleasure in being single and having no one to answer to. We enjoy the first dates, the impulsive trips and the innocent flirting behind a vodka tonic. We revel in having the whole bed to ourselves and having no one to question our decisions (because of course they can be poor sometimes). We get to know the person in our reflections versus changing for someone who may not see us for who we really are.
But we never fall out of love with love. We will always need it. We will always want it. We will live out the rest of our days grabbing for it wherever it may be. We’ll have a constant urge for something more than just belonging, for something more than just completion. We’ll grab for someone just as broken as us, whose pieces amid ours will be the world’s most imperfect masterpiece.
We need that unexpected eruption of disillusioned perfection that brings peace and chaos into our world. We need to have our hearts lit on fire until we’re illuminating cities with the light that love brings out of us.
We need love. We need to see heaven behind someone’s eyes. We need to hear that one voice that soothes every wrecked piece of our souls. We need love, even if we don’t need whom we thought it was with.
So we rejoice in singleness, in independence and in our desire to be free. But we are on a constant and indirect path to finding our destiny. It is what we crave deep within our veins and require in the tiniest crevices of our hearts. We blindly hope — even if we don’t admit it. One day, we won’t miss a person, but we’ll miss what we thought they were. We’ll silently pray we’ll see it, that something, in someone else.
- We miss getting our breath stuck in our throats because our lips touching theirs have convinced our minds that we are momentarily invincible.
- We miss having someone to tell every waking moment to — no matter how mundane or ludicrous it may be. Someone who is an open ear to our brimming hearts.
- We miss the chills that climb up our skin before they even touch us, and how their hands exist as the only compass to the map of our bodies.
- We miss the laughter that lives on the tips of our tongues because they can so easily bring us up when we are so unrightfully down.
- We miss the ease. The ease that comes with loving someone without doubts, or fears or insecurities. The ease that makes living… easy.
- We miss the dreams that don’t seem imaginary. We miss making the plans that would shape the lines on our palms and fill the walls of our future homes with memories between frames.
- We miss someone knowing our secrets, but never using them against us; instead, they know just how to treat us when our weaknesses are tugging at the heart embracing our sleeves.
- We miss the idea that there’s always something more. There is more to be felt. There is more to be seen, to be heard and to be taught. There is more to you — and someone promises you just that.
- We miss the smell of comfort that somehow Fate stitched in the collar of his shirt. A reminder within a cozy scent that everything, however dire, will be OK.
- We miss the night. We miss the morning. We miss falling asleep to the lullaby of their breathing and waking up to a smile warmer than the sun.
- We miss being told that we are beautiful, because somehow coming from love it’s as if it’s laced with every star that ever fell and all the wishes the world has ever used on them.
- We miss the endless exploration into our souls as we fall in love. A new twist daily and a new journey always. We are always absorbing more about the inner most parts of our hearts and someone else’s soul that somehow just gets yours.
We. Miss. Love.
We may not act like it, and we may sometimes forget about it. So we search blindly. Sometimes we fall, but it’s only ever a necessary detour to finding the real, earth-shattering destiny that was ours the moment we were born. Eventually, we’ll fall for the right beating heart and probably when we’re nowhere near ready… nowhere near ready for its beats to be memorized in our every heartbeat.
We may be over someone. We may be perfectly happy single. We may be amazing on our own. But, and there will always be a “but.” We will never, ever, fall out of love with love.